"No one can make you feel inferior
without your consent. Never give in."
Eleanor Roosevelt

“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” Remember that child-hood rhyme? As a youth, I would often recite those words to myself when I was teased by other children. My young mind was convinced that I would emerge from the taunting unscathed, as long as no one put their hands on me. I reasoned that as long as the bullies didn’t “break my bones,” I would be alright.

............................................

Not so. My family was poor, it showed, and the things that were said about my “hand-me-down” clothing and shoes hurt a lot. As a middle-aged adult, I still remember those horrible incidents on the way home from school. I am not bothered by these memories anymore; however, some people cannot shake the pain when it happens to them. Unfortunately, childhood taunts often become the catalyst for venting past hurts unjustly – innocent people are frequently the recipients of unresolved pain and anger.

............................................

Verbal abuse hurts just as bad as physical abuse. And in many cases, the pain lasts much longer. Bruises may heal, but agony of the soul can last for a very long time – even unto death. We meet many people in life that appear to have it all together from outside appearances. The truth is, the walking wounded are all around us. When we are hurt by abuse of any kind, we try to put on a façade of strength, when in fact; we often feel that we could emotionally crumble at any time.

............................................

When people say hurtful things about us that aren’t true, it causes pain just the same. A woman named Beverly experienced this type of pain firsthand. She was dating a guy that she really liked, and he truly liked her – jealously reared its ugly head in the form of a so-called friend. Richard was a family friend that betrayed Beverly with his ugly lies. He publically announced in front of her beloved that they did some ugly sexual things that were total lies. Needless to say, she was shocked and very hurt.

............................................

The worst part is Richard destroyed her chances for a relationship with the man she loved. No matter what Beverly said in her defense, it didn’t matter. She found out later from another friend that Richard was in love with her, and he didn’t want to see her with anyone else. His lies weren’t flattering at all – they cut deep within Beverly’s soul, and the hurt lasted for a very long time. Her reputation was on the line, and she found it very difficult to forgive Richard. Eventually Beverly did forgive him, but he was no longer a friend.

............................................

Verbally abusive folk will often say things to you and about you that may not be true. When people are trying to hurt you on purpose, they will seek out your vulnerabilities and use them against you. When we share things about ourselves within intimate relations, we don’t expect that someday our deep secrets will be used against us – but it happens frequently.

............................................

Falling in love opens our hearts to others, and we let our guard down. Oftentimes, we unburden our souls to those we trust to comfort us, and keep our confidences. However, when couples fight, too often the gloves come off, and painful experiences that were kept in private arsenals are used as emotional ammunition – intending to wound. You don’t expect to hear, “See, that is why you were molested, you are no good!” And you certainly wouldn’t be prepared for, “You are so fat, why don’t you lose some weight?” When your mate calls you names that are not on your birth certificate, and reminds you of the time that your father called you a “loser,” it is devastating.

............................................

Those hurtful words plow deep into your soul, take root, and leave you in a state of confusion and shame. What hurts more is when the things that are said to and about you have some truth to them. You didn't mean to gain so much weight, but you just had a baby. It happens to the best of us. But that doesn't mean that your mate has a right to call you a “Fat cow.” Ok, so you burned last night’s dinner. There isn't a woman alive that hasn't burned dinner at least once. Some more than others, however, you didn't deserve to be called “Worthless.”

............................................

Burning dinner often means that you were distracted with too many things to do at once. The kids were fighting; Johnny needed help with his homework, or you were sidetracked by an unexpected phone call. Even if you can't cook a lick, you still don't deserve to be verbally abused nor beaten. Too often, physical abuse follows the verbal beat downs un-expectantly.

............................................

The words of strangers can sometimes bring us pain. But not as much as words from those who are very close to us. In a marriage, we open our hearts to receive both joy and pain. Intimacy relaxes our defenses, and we become emotionally vulnerable. Being in love makes one feel invincible, and yet very exposed. The words of our loved ones can bring healing or pain. Souls can be uplifted or destroyed by unruly and vicious tongues. Trust is what makes one susceptible to unkindness.

............................................

When we marry “For better, or for worst,” – it is the “better” that we hope for. No one expects to be abused in any way. But when it happens, it is demoralizing. Granted, sometimes couples do argue and say things they don't mean to say. All healthy relationships experience occasional grumpiness and frazzled nerves.

............................................

Angry, sharp, and abrupt tones creep into conversations sometimes unawares. Life is hard, marriage is hard work, and disagreements are a part of two people trying to blend their lives as one. Emotionally mature individuals will make mistakes within their relationships, but they will quickly recognize them and make amends. If the offended party is emotionally mature as well, he or she will be able to express how they feel about a particular comment directed towards them. The ability to effectively communicate leaves room for understanding and forgiveness.

............................................

Contrarily, individuals who lack communication skills and maturity will often resort to verbally abusing their mates. Why? Simply because abuse works! Verbal abuse is meant to wound, tear down, and cause the injured party to think less of themselves as a human being. People who crave control over others practice verbal abuse with skill and precision. Even if you are right, they know how to turn the tables to make you feel ashamed, and guilty for having any feelings or opinions at all.